5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.