my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
These 3D printers are insane!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”