*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Discuss
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull