FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Guantanamo Bae