earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing