I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Expect the unexporcupine.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles