Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.