I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.