The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Become ungovernable.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand