CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.