Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture