Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel