I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Taking phone security to the next level.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.