Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
New favorite tiktok
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.