Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.