Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
remember
only for emergencies
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me linking you to my twitter
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.