Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Brother?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!