This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I am, perchance
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
R.I.P.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.