I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
spot the difference
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?