7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Practicing safe sax
This anagram machine is out of order.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I love the National Park Service.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder