greetings!
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else