Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
me: hi my name is matt and i鈥檓 an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i鈥檓 explaining why my car鈥檚 in the lake
Coffee so strong I鈥檓 starting to believe I鈥檓 The Flash.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn鈥檛 have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I鈥檝e only been outside 20 mins!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller鈥檚 check to buy a whole frozen horse
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 馃槅
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can鈥檛 find it
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn鈥檛 look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I鈥檝e been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE鈥橰E FREE!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?