[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You Might Also Like
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
opening twitter today
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao