Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
that de-escalated quickly
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Omg 🤣
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars