[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.