Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Tell me you get it…🤣
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
step 6: release the wall snake
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long