*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Help Wanted
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can