When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again