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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.