Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
guys I’m going home
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.