I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?