why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?