*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial