Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The future is now.