Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.