Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off