Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.