[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.