Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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do what now??
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter