“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Jupiter