Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea