Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Ah..makes sense now
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic