I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Lol.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro