[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.