recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.