word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.