I might carry a baby with one hand.
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
just make the entire table out of coaster
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Bro what is this
mathematically impossible
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises