turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad