Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Our lord and savoury.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’