*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along